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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24767251">Stages of Grief</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheerfullyCynical/pseuds/CheerfullyCynical'>CheerfullyCynical</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>And neither is the Doctor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Master, Depression, Do not read if you're having a rough time, Even if this has a happy ending, Five Stages of Grief, Mental Health Check, Post The Timeless Children, Suicidal Thoughts, The Master Has Issues, The Master is Not Okay, The Master is ready to not regenerate</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:22:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,929</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24767251</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheerfullyCynical/pseuds/CheerfullyCynical</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor receives the Master's confession dial.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thirteenth Doctor &amp; The Master (Dhawan), Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Stages of Grief</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>WARNING:<br/>***Suicidal thoughts!!! *** Nothing happens, and it's very vague (the word suicide is not even mentioned), but the Master mentions "not wanting to continue on".<br/>Could be triggering.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time had always had a way of catching up with her.</p><p>No matter the amount of running – no matter how many adventures, how many hopeful faces, how many new planets with new friends… Time had a way of slamming her full force in moments so unexpected that it always left her breathless.</p><p>She had seen death…She had seen life. She’s seen horrors and wonders – seen planets ravaged with blood and death… Seen new homes filled with love and joy. She’s witnessed the end of the universe and very nearly the beginning of it. She’s tasted the freedom the stars had to offer and glimpsed the end of the stars in her own life.</p><p>After all, she’s been convinced on more than one occasion that her time in this big universe was over.</p><p>This though? Staring at the round disk that had appeared on her console, carved with Gallifreyian words and even harsher meanings, she could only think that her own death would be more bearable.</p><p>“That’s not funny.” She said to the open air, back against the TARDIS’s door, hearts beating wildly in her chest. The denial felt empty the moment the words left her mouth, and even worse as they echoed in the empty TARDIS.</p><p>She slid down the TARDIS doors, arms curling around her knees, eyes glazing as she glared at the glowing piece of metal. What it represented, what secrets it could hold, were worse than hearing the words “I hate you” from an old friend – it was worse than staring at angry eyes and hurt feelings. In person, it was easy to fire off reactions and harms, but there was no denying one’s feelings when trapped inside their own mind.</p><p>“It’s not funny.” She repeated, tears gathering in her eyes. The disk held no remorse. “Please,” She begged, “I’m not ready – I’ll never be ready.”</p><p>It was only fair, she supposed, body trembling. She had sent her own final words the same way – a coward’s goodbye really. She should have know her friend couldn’t resist the urge to copy her, not when it meant rubbing in the fact that she was the coward first.</p><p>The dial spun once again, causing it to vibrate so hard that it crashed to the ground of her TARDIS, still buzzing away even as the Doctor’s ears failed her.</p><p>“Shut it,” The Doctor told it, tears now on her face – they felt like defeat, “That’s not fair.” She muttered, hands going to her face, wiping furiously, raking her nails across her cheeks.</p><p>It had only been three months since she escaped the Judoon prison… That’s eight months since she seen <em>him. </em>Even as all logic told her that her enemy had died on her dead and gone planet, her hearts keep the hope of their friend’s life. Now, to have her hopes lifted than crushed so brutally? She wished that he had stayed dead.</p><p>The confession dial fizzed and sparked red. This time, the Doctor didn’t dare dignify that with a response. She place her head on her knees, breathing hard, furious that the tears she tried to scratch away continued.</p><p>“How dare you.” She told the disk, words muffled against her thighs, “You – you selfish, idiotic, <em>stupid </em>person!” She said, but the words sounded forced even to her own ears.</p><p>The Master was dying – truly dying – and he sent her his confession.</p><p>She hated him – no, she loathed him. The very thought of him had her blood pumping faster – had her placing a knuckle to her front teeth and biting down hard, relishing the physical pain of her hate rather than the emotional.</p><p>She loved him. Rassilon, she loved him with every fiber of her being. No matter the things he had done, the actions against her friends… She saw only the person she loved, eyes lit with delight as the two of them stared at each other, making promises their older counterparts had no hope of completing.</p><p>The confession dial was not one to wait for her grief.</p><p>Her thoughts went to Missy – of her finding him on the eve of the Doctor’s own thoughted demise. She remembered the way her stomach had done somersaults at the very sight of her – how Missy had looked relived just for a moment before she had turned away from the Doctor, uninterested now that Missy knew he was safe.</p><p>She thought of his hateful eyes on Gallifrey. She thought of the madness he held for her and her alone as he gleefully terrorized her own memories and life. She remembered the forceful hand around her bicep, getting dragged along for a route down memory lane so painful that she had rather suffered a thousand deaths than see.</p><p>The Doctor thought of all the hate he held for her, that he held for the universe, and, somehow, decided that his time was not yet done.</p><p>She dragged herself up on shaky knees. The floor felt like rubber…Or was it her legs that felt like rubber? Either way, she stumbled her way to the console, hands twisting on knobs and levers on pure muscle memory alone. The familiar, loving sound of TARDIS’s breaks filled the air, and she had but another moment before the TARDIS landed just outside the Master’s location.</p><p>The confession dial hissed and spazzed. In a move rather unknown to her, she kicked it across the ground, relishing in the anger she felt just for a moment as she watched it spin far off into the distance, underneath the raised platforms.</p><p>Out of sight and out of mind.</p><p>She strode out of her TARDIS, the walls a deep, pulsing red. Her steps echoed around her, even as she yanked open the door with a growl, anger fizzing and buzzing, pushing her forward-forward-forward until her eyes landed on the very person the Doctor came to save.</p><p>His back was towards her. He had heard her TARDIS land but had elected to either ignore it, or he truly expected her presence. Either way, she found herself furious with rage that he had even dared to expect her. He didn’t deserve to have her call him a friend.</p><p>“Knew you would come,” The Master said, even as the Doctor’s nails created crescent moons on her skin, “You could never resist a cry for help.”</p><p>Was he mocking her? His normal go-to was twisting her compassion, her love for her friends, into something she should fear – something she should regret. Yet, he sounded relived that she was here.</p><p>She looked away from him, trying hard to focus on the salty air around her, watching as the waves of the beach crashed onto the shore, the water just ready to touch the Master’s bare feet before it once again receded.</p><p>The process repeated three times before she could find her voice.</p><p>“You’re not dying.”</p><p>He wasn’t, from the looks of it. She had sent the confession dial with the very thought that it would be her last day in the universe, thanks to Davos and other worldly threats that she didn’t have the energy to consider. A confession dial wasn’t something to just gift to someone.</p><p>The Master laughed, something dark and cold, that it had her anger receding just as fast as her temper had come. He sounded tired – the kind of tired that never left.</p><p>“Plan to.” He said, eyes clearly on the shore in front of him, peaceful for someone who had tried his best to kill her. Still, she stayed behind him.</p><p>His words hit like a train wreck.</p><p>She’d been there, hadn’t he? With Bill and Nardole… Staring at yet another battlefield, beyond weary and tired from the fight. The Doctor felt so old – so old and helpless. Ending the Doctor’s story on his own terms felt like more than a fitting ending than she was allowed.</p><p>Unlike the Doctor, regeneration energy was not swirling against the Master's skin - he had yet to be hurt.</p><p>She looked out at the landscape once again, at how high the waves were, at the growing storm clouds coming closer and closer to shore. Her hearts dropped to her chest. Why hadn’t she checked the weather patterns of the planet before she stormed out?  </p><p>“Not like this.” She said, the words filled with frantic worry as she finally made her way in front of her friend. She gazed down at him, words dying on her lips as she recognized the look in his eyes.</p><p>She nodded, tongue between her teeth. Unable to speak, she sat down next to him, fingers just inches away from his own hand, hands finding freezing cold sand instead of the warmth of another. She looked across the waves, the clouds in the sky a warning of the amount of time she had to bargain with him.</p><p>“I know,” She said, trying to keep this conversation both personal and unrelated, “I know what it’s like… To think you’ve done all you can.”</p><p>He didn’t look at her. Still, his eyes lingered on the lightning in the distance.</p><p>“I know how lonely it can be,” She continued, time racing, “I don’t know what you’re thinking, or really what you’re feeling, but I know that I’ve been looking at the same battlefield you have – I know how days turn into eternity.”</p><p>“And yet…” The Master said, voice dull, “You’re still here.”</p><p>The Doctor winced, the words cutting deep. She knew that pouring her heart out to him could hurt – had always hurt this time around – but it only hurt more when they were talking like this.</p><p>“Yeah,” She replied, ignoring her own pain, “Wasn’t much different than you, really.”</p><p>He turned to look at her. A blot of lightning echoed around them, electrifying the very air. The rain came – scorching hot yet freezing on her skin. With his eyes on her, she threaded their hands together, squeezing tightly even when he stayed motionless.</p><p>“I can’t lose you,” She said, “I won’t lose you. I’ll… I’ll give you anything. I’ll do anything.”</p><p>Bargaining was a poor man’s choice.</p><p>Even if he didn’t want it, even if they were soaked to the bone and beyond foolish for watching as water receded dangerously, she barreled into him, pulling him into a hug. Silent tears and rain soaked his jacket-clad shoulder, but it was the Master’s feather light touch around her middle that had her squeezing him even tighter to her chest.</p><p><em>“Please,” </em>She projected, <em>“Please, Master. Please don’t leave me, not again.” </em></p><p><em>“I’ve done so many things I'm not proud of,” </em>He said, <em>“Why can’t you let me end it here?”</em></p><p>“You idiot,” She yelled through the roar of the ocean that howled around them. “I love you.”</p><p>He tried to release her, but the Doctor only held tighter, even as her knees dug painfully into the rough sand. Still, the Master protested. He pushed against her, hands going to her shoulders, then - slowly, as if accepting his final choice - to her face, cradling her, brushing away her tears. She leaned against his calloused hands, even as they shook.</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t deserve anything.” </em>
</p><p>“None of us do,” She said,</p><p>“But everyone deserves a bit of kindness.”</p><p>The lightning and the wind picked up, ragging against them, but it wasn’t the concern of two Time Lords. They walked hand and hand back to her time machine, leaving hurts and even more behind. No, the pain wasn’t gone, nor would all of it ever be, but the leap of faith they’ve taken together was enough to fight for another day.</p><p>Together, that day seemed possible.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I've been having a bit of a rough time, but having someone there has always helped. I wanted that for the Master. </p><p>If you are having suicide thoughts, you can text US and Canada: text 741741, or UK: text 85258 to access this website https://www.crisistextline.org/. You could also call your local suicide hotline. </p><p>If you need someone to talk to that isn't a hotline, I am here! Leave a comment or you can find me at cheerfullycynicalfandom.tumblr.com . Love you all! Stay safe and healthy and make sure to keep you mental health in mind in these tough times. &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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